


What I Wouldn't Give

by TheSeeingStar



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Episode 93 spoilers, F/M, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Alteration, Sacrifice, Widojest - Freeform, failed saving throw consequences, hopeless shipper, sad wizard vibes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22515442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSeeingStar/pseuds/TheSeeingStar
Summary: *C2 E93 spoilers!!!*(Canon divergence, what if *that* saving throw had failed...)Jester suffers the consequences of a power move gone wrong. The Mighty Nein now has two curses to break, but will they have to use force to free Nott and Jester of Isharnai's influence, or will a sacrifice need to be made? What would they be willing to give in order to save their found family? With a brand new perspective for Jester, could this turn out to be a blessing in disguise after all...Widojest because I will go down with this ship!
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 13
Kudos: 107





	1. Chapter 1

Jester watches as Isharnai devours her half of the cupcake in one go, the hag's eyes widening in bliss at the magically enhanced taste. Saliva dribbles from one side of her mouth, a long thick string of it connecting with the table and beginning to pool, making Jester shiver in disgust. She seems instantly distracted, an almost dreamy expression on her haggard face, and Jester takes her chance.

_Please Traveler, please be with me..._ she thinks as she tries to calm her churning stomach, casting Modify Memory.

Isharnai is busy sucking the crumbs from her long fingers as the spell completes, and for a wonderful moment, Jester thinks it's worked. She eagerly leans forward in her seat, inspecting the hag's face for any minute sign that she suspects, thinking out the words she’s going to use to infuse the hag's newly replaced memory. A deep chuckle rumbles in the grotesque woman's throat growing steadily louder, and louder, her shoulders beginning to shake with laughter until she is in hysterics.

Isharnai's lips curl into a wicked grin, teeth gleaming in the dim light of the hut. Slowly, the grin becomes a snarl, lips curling back over her fangs and eyes full of a fury Jester has never witnessed before. She shies backwards, attempting to stand, but it’s far too late for that. One of Isharnai's long arms whips out towards her with inhuman speed and grabs her around the throat. Jester tries to gasp but finds she can’t suck any air into her lungs, the hag's strong fingers choking her. She tries to focus, tries not to panic as she runs through her non verbal spells, anything that might help her to escape.

Before she can even think of something to cast her body tenses, every muscle strained under an invisible weight. The hand releases from around her throat and she sucks in a ragged breath, coughing soundlessly. She tries to scream but the silence prevails. Isharnai rises from her seat to peruse the jar filled shelves, taking her time to choose and then mix a concoction into a little glass beaker. She brings it over to Jester, using one sharp claw-like nail to slice a gash into the tiefling's palm, collecting the drops of blood that spill from it into the beaker. They hiss on contact with the dark green liquid, white smoke rising weakly from its surface.

"Not ideal," the hag hisses into her ear distastefully, "but it will do. Your misery may not be freely given, but it is mine to take and that is almost as delicious." She wrenches Jester's jaw open and pours the liquid into her mouth, giving her no option but to swallow or choke. Much of it runs over her chin, seeping into the neck of her dress and soaking her front. When the beaker is empty the hag finally releases her hold, and Jester slumps to the floor retching.

"What did you do to me?" She whimpers, shakily pushing herself up to stand. Physically she feels no different, though her head is fuzzy, and she finds that more scary than the thought of the hag simply taking her hands in revenge.

"Consider it compensation for the trick you tried to pull. A debt paid. It should cause some wonderful distress for me to feast on." Isharnai smirks toothily. "The curse on your goblin friend still stands of course."

Jester frowns and shakes her head, still struggling to focus her mind properly. "What goblin?"

Isharnai cackles raucously, making Jester wince as pain blooms in her skull. The door creaks open slowly and Jester stumbles through it in a daze, out into the rapidly darkening swamp. The sound of the hag's laughter follows her out into the suffocatingly humid night air, but at least it’s not so loud out here. Her legs gaining in strength with every step as she makes her way down the rocky slope and the roots at the foot of the hut, she is startled by a movement to her left, turning to find a darkly shadowed man standing at the corner of the house watching her.

"Jester, finally. We were starting to worry, you were in there a while." A deep voice calls out to her other side, making her jump. Her brow furrows as she takes in the group of strangers ahead of her, all staring curiously in her direction. A half-orc man takes a step towards her hesitantly, his head cocked to one side. "Jester? Is everything alright?"

She smiles at him though she’s not sure why, it just seems to be the right response. These people are clearly concerned for her, and she thinks that’s strange but she simply can’t place them, and her head _hurts_ like a bitch... All she wants is to be safe and to sleep, and these people seem to be her best chance for either of those things, so she decides to go along with it, at least for now.

"I’m fine, it’s all good, everything is great." She beams, hoping she’s being convincing enough.

"What happened in there?" An olive skinned human woman asks, and Jester wonders why her cheeks are damp with tears.

"Nothing much, you know juuuust, talking and stufffff, um... oh but she said a debt is paid so I guess we can go now. Does that mean we can go? It’s just, I’m really tired and I’d like to leave now, if that’s ok?"

The group of people stare at her incredulously and she wonders if she said the wrong thing.

"The debt is _paid_?" A little green goblin squawks, stepping out from behind a red headed male human. "What do you mean it’s paid? What did you give her Jester?" The human man peers at her worriedly, but remains silent, considering, and that’s almost worse.

"You’re bleeding. What did she do to you Jessie?" The human woman asks, coming towards her and taking her hand gently.

"Honestly, everything is fine, please I just want to rest. And then we can talk, Ok?" She knows she sounds as though she’s pleading, and honestly she is. Because the more she tries to place these strangers who are very clearly not meant to be strangers, the more she realises that she can’t remember anyone at all. Her memories are disjointed but still there, events, journeys, her own name, the Traveler, that’s still all there albeit jumbled and incomplete. But faces and names, those escape her. She swallows down the rising fear that threatens to consume her, and starts walking in a direction, any direction, as long as it’s away from this place.


	2. Chapter 2

Caleb knows she’s not fine. He likes to think he’s become very good at telling when Jester is putting on a brave face, and this is most certainly one of those times.

It’s obvious anyway that something happened during her talk with Isharnai, just by the simple fact that she told them Nott's curse is gone. He knows, as does every other member of the Nein, that Jester has made some sort of deal to achieve that, and it terrifies him that she’s keeping quiet about what it is. Jester hides her emotions from them all regularly. But refusing to tell them what she’s given up when it’s clearly hurting her so badly - that's a huge red flag to him.

As soon as they reached a spot a mile or so away from the shack, Caleb had set to work casting the dome into existence, and the rest of the group silently went about moving stones and twigs to clear the sleeping area. They were all so exhausted, from the trek, the harpies, the emotion and adrenaline, all any of the Nein had wanted was to fall into their bed rolls and sleep for a week, but with the hag close by and the forest full of who knows what, none of them wanted to take any chances. They agreed that a few of them should keep watch like old times, Yasha first, then Fjord, and lastly Caleb.

So here he finds himself, sitting uncomfortably hunched without anything to lean against, with a book propped open on his lap, keeping as close an eye on the pitch black swamp around them as he can without dark vision. Glancing up, he sees the comforting presence of Frumpkin perched on top of the dome above his head, the wizard having returned him to cat form before he went to bed. Caleb smiles up at the sight. From this angle, because of the transparency from inside the dome, Frumpkin looks as though he is perched on a glass table top, all four feet tucked neatly beneath him, pink feet beans on full adorable display.

Suddenly, there’s a tiny whining noise from very close by, making Caleb jump back to attention. He looks outside intently, trying to discern where the noise might have come from, ready to wake the group. It’s not until Jester sniffs delicately that he realises it's her. And if the sniff wasn’t enough of an indication that she’s crying, the quiet choked little sob she makes after that is fairly conclusive.

"Jester?" He whispers, glad that she chose tonight to sleep on the outside edge of the dome rather than in her usual position snuggled up in the centre of the pile of bodies. As a result, he only has to lean over to speak to her and stands at least half a chance of not waking anyone else.

She turns over and looks up at him, cheeks wet with tears and eyes shining, and his heart breaks at the sight of her so visibly upset. He’s seen every member of the Nein distressed at some point during their time together, but Jester's sadness always feels the most profound. As though it’s an abomination that such a beautifully happy person should ever feel such pain.

"Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you." She whispers apologetically, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

"You never need to apologise to me Blueberry. Please, tell me what’s wrong?"

She sits up looking so dejected that Caleb wants so badly to take her in his arms and hold her till she feels better. In another lifetime perhaps he would have the courage, but not now.

"I don’t... I don’t know what to do. And I’m so confused, it’s like everything’s still there but it’s all jumbled and weird, like there’s lots of gaps and... I was so stupid. I thought I could trick her, and it so nearly worked, it was so perfect... until it wasn’t and she knew what I did and she... she made me forget you all." She says the last part so quietly he barely catches it. His stomach drops.

"Forget us?" She nods, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. "You don’t know who we are?"

"Not just you, I don’t remember anyone. I remember things I’ve done, but it’s like all the people I was with when they happened are all shadowy and blurry, and the memories are incomplete. She wrote everyone out of my life. And I’m sure you’re all like super nice, like I think you’re my friends, but I don’t even know your names and... I’m really scared."

"Oh Jester." He swallows down the rising fear clawing its way up his chest, trying to be strong for her. "Sometimes, you know, when people forget things they just need some help to remember. Maybe it will start to come back to you if we talk a while." He doesn’t really believe that’s likely, a hag's curse is a strong bind and if that’s what's happened to Jester he knows the road ahead won’t be an easy one. But he has to do something to make her feel better even if it’s only in the short term.

She sniffs and wipes her eyes again, looking up at him so hopefully it makes his insides twist. "Ok."

"My name is Caleb." He begins, looking for even the tiniest spark of recognition in her eyes.

"Cay-leb." She repeats with a little frown. "I like that, it’s a nice name."

"Danke." He gestures to the other members of the group, still sleeping through their hushed conversation. "And that there is Nott, and Beau, Yasha, Caduceus, and Fjord. You met him first, travelling out of the Menagerie Coast into the Empire. Does... any of that sound familiar?"

"I remember..." Caleb holds his breath, hoping for a miracle, "Leaving home." She closes her eyes in a grimace, and he can tell she’s trying hard to order her thoughts, but after a moment her shoulders slump and she sighs. "It’s like I know there was someone with me, but I can’t see them. They’re like a shadow, or a ghost."

"That’s ok." He says calmly, hiding the fact that it feels as though the world is crashing down around him. "We'll fix this Jester. We'll find a way to fix it, and you’ll be ok. You might not know us, but I promise you, we love you, every single one of us, and we’re here for you. You’re not alone Jester." She gives him a tiny smile, just a hint of her lips curling upwards over the scared, sad expression that’s so unnatural on her.

"You must know me really well Cayleb, that’s exactly what I feel like. Alone."

His traitorous heart skips a beat despite his worry for her. Of course he knows her well, he’s been in love with her for months, not that he’d ever admit it to anyone else. "You're not Blueberry. It might feel like it, but we’ve been through a lot together, all of us. Now, I think I should really wake the others so that we can let them know what’s going on."

She nods, her smile much brighter now though it still doesn’t quite reach her eyes. "Thank you Cayleb. You know, you’ve made me feel a little better already. Like, you know exactly what to say. Does that happen a lot? Do I come to you for like, advice and stuff? Because, I got this kinda vibe from you when I first saw you like you’re a really great guy, maybe a leeeetle bit like, dirty, and sort of shy and not very confident and stuff, but smart right? You look all smart and sensitive. Like a, like a... a cute nerd! Are you a cute nerd Cayleb?" She sing songs the last part, and with her cheeky grin, she looks almost back to her old self.

"Uh..." Caleb stares at her, not knowing where to begin.

"Oh! Oh... we’re not like... you know... dating or anything are we?"

"No, we’re not... we’re not dating Jester, we’re just friends." He's sure it’s just wishful thinking, but he swears she looks almost disappointed for a second. "Um... Ja, so... Nott? Beau?" He begins to gently shake the others awake, hiding the furious blush he can feel creeping up his neck to his cheeks.

*******************

"So wait, you don’t remember any of us?" The human woman, Beau Caleb said she was called, asks as incredulously as she can while stifling a yawn with the back of her hand.

"Nope. No one." Jester replies trying to be as chirpy as possible, for her own sake as well as her apparent friends. From the look of sympathy on Caleb's face, she knows he can tell she’s faking it.

"Not even your Mom?" Nott the goblin asks, her big yellow eyes wide. Jester gives a little shake of her head, biting her lip while trying her best to smile. "Fuck. Jester that’s awful."

"That is rough." Adds the beautiful pastel furbolg, Caduceus, if she remembers correctly. "Poor you, thats a lot to deal with." He offers her one of the cups of tea he’s been passing out to the group as they sit around his little tea kettle, brewing over a small fire inside the circle where the strange invisible dome had been before it faded as dawn broke.

"To clarify," the half-orc, Fjord, leans towards her intently, "you said when you left the hut that Isharnai told you a debt had been paid. Is this what you gave to her in order to free Nott of the curse?"

"No, no, she told me this is a punishment. For me uh... trying to trick her." She winces, looking at them all sheepishly. All of them but Caleb look utterly gobsmacked, even the cat stops washing itself and stares at her. "You guys, it was all going so well! I persuaded her to eat a cupcake, I used the Dust of Deliciousness on it to really distract her... I really had her, you know, but then she realised when I tried to cast Modify Memory on her and she did this to me."

"So, Nott's curse still stands?" The hulking barbarian woman, Yasha, asks.

"Mhmm, yeah, I think so. What's your curse Nott?" She feels bad for even thinking it, but Jester is just a tiny bit relieved she’s not going through this alone. That someone else has suffered the hag's wrath too.

"Oh. Well she sort of body swapped me from a halfling to this. It’s a long story." Nott's ears droop slightly and she seems to shrink in on herself.

"I’m so sorry that I gave you false hope Nott. Oh guys, I really screwed up didn’t I."Jester wails, burying her face in her hands as she tries to hold back the lump rapidly growing in her throat.

"It was a really great plan Jester," Caleb quietly consoles, "and you know, so what it didn’t work, it could have and you were really brave for trying it in the first place. And look on the bright side, the Traveler will be really proud of you for even attempting such an ambitious trick."

She gasps loudly, looking up at him. "The Traveler! I should ask him what to do!"

"You remember the Traveler?" Beau asks skeptically.

She laughs, screwing up her face like Beau just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. "Yea, of course I remember the Traveler, like I would ever forget him. He’s so cool and memorable... have I told you about him..?"

"Yes!" They all say in unison.

"Ok, so he’s definitely going to be able to help you guys, I know it." She starts eagerly removing her statues of him from her pack, scooting away from the group and out of the circle's radius a little way to give herself space to set up a suitable area to commune with him.

"In case that doesn’t work..." Fjord begins, faltering as Jester glances up from her makeshift shrine to raise an eyebrow at him, "Sorry. In the unlikely event that he can’t assist us for some reason," she nods approvingly and he continues, "we should make some sort of plan. Yesterday we offered a number of options, two of which Isharnai was willing to consider. I’m not a fan of either of them, but perhaps it's a start? Now that we have a moment, we’re not on the back foot so to speak, we could discuss what we would be willing to sacrifice and decide together if that’s what we want to do. Or if perhaps using force is the best way forward instead."

"I’d still be willing to leave." Beau says resignedly, voice low enough that Jester can only just hear her. "If it came to it, I’d do it. But I've gotta say, I’m feeling more and more inclined to just kill this bitch."

"I’m in." Yasha adds quietly.

"I think you all know my feelings on that front." Nott practically growls, and Jester hears a crossbow click menacingly.

"Ok but, hold on." Caleb says, almost pleading. "This woman is not a pushover. She is extremely dangerous, and you know, just because we have had successes in the past does not mean we are equipped to take on anything. We are not invincible, we need to be smart about this. We should at least wait and see if Jester's conversation with the Traveler throws up any new information before we start planning anything."

"Like our plans ever actually work." Beau's voice is part scorn part despair.

"Our plans work fine, it’s everything else that goes wrong." Nott argues dismissively. "This bitch took my identity from me. I want to make her pay. And the only way to do that is to kill her. Preferably painfully and gruesomely."

"I think Mr Caleb might be right." Caduceus' calm deep voice is instantly soothing despite the tone of the conversation. "We all want to see her suffer for what she did to you Nott, and to Jester, but life isn’t always as fair as we think it should be. It might hurt to give her what she wants, but if it’s the safest way to get you back to your husband and your little boy, I’d rather feel eternally frustrated than feel the eternal grief of losing any members of this group permanently."

Jester looks up at the group again. _Nott has a family._ She understands a little better now why she took the risk yesterday, and suddenly feels a little better about herself. Caleb is right, it was a brave thing to do. With at least partially renewed confidence, she begins the ritual to summon the Traveler, blocking out the continued discussions of the group close by.

Finishing the incantation, she grips her holy symbol between her fingers and closes her eyes, taking a deep calming breath, concentrating on the image of the Traveler in her mind, the green of his cloak, his smile, the sound of his voice.

"Traveler? Are you here? Please come and talk to me, I need to ask you some questions. I know you’re busy and I only spoke to you yesterday but I really need you again ok? It’s really, really important."

The air around her warms slightly and she feels his presence immediately. She opens her eyes, beaming up at his partially obscured face with its ever present cocky grin.

"My, haven’t you been up to mischief."

"Hiiiiiiiii! Oh it’s so good to see you! 'Cause you know you’re like the only person I remember now right?"

"Yes, I’m aware. That’s quite unfortunate."

"It is, it's crazy, and I’m like super happy I still have you and everything but it would be really good if I could remember other people too, you know? Like, no offence, but apparently I have a mom and there are all these guys here and probably tons of other people out there... hey am I like, super popular?" He opens his mouth to speak and she flaps her hands. "No no don’t answer that! It’s not one of my questions. Did that count as one of my questions? Oh shit I suck at this!"

The Traveler sighs, and she smiles up at him apologetically. "Take a breath my dear, and ask your questions."

"Ok..." she breathes a few slow breaths before starting over. Glancing at the others, she speaks as quietly as she can, leaning toward the green cloaked figure to whisper. "First, can I trust these guys? Like are we really good friends?"

He pauses, considering his answer for a moment. "I believe so. You certainly seemed to think they cared for you during our previous conversations."

"Ok, ok, ok... that’s good." She kind of wants to ask him if there’s one particular member of the group that cares for her more than the others, but her mind jumps unbidden straight to Caleb and she blushes. The Traveler grins knowingly which only makes her blush more. She collects her thoughts again. "So second, I know I asked you something similar yesterday, but _can_ we kill this witch? Like, I know you said killing her is one way we can break the curse, but is it actually _possible_ for us to do that? Is it a good idea for us to try?"

"Technically, that’s two questions," Juster huffs sulkily, "but I understand what you’re getting at. It’s possible, but it would likely be difficult. The price of doing so could be higher than the price of not doing so, if you catch my meaning."

"Right. Uhhhhhh." She throws her head back and sighs, considering her last question. "Ok. So. Third. I’m not complaining or anything, I know you're my friend and you’re always here watching me, like when I was kidnapped by... whoever I was kidnapped by before, I don’t remember, obviously. But like... why did you let this happen to me?" She finishes sadly, looking down at the ground, her voice so quiet she wonders if he even heard her. She feels tears pricking at the corners of her eyes again as the silence between them stretches. Chancing a look back up at him, she sees that his lips are pursed in a sad smile, and a lone tear slides down her cheek.

He reaches a hand out, stopping the tear in its tracks with his thumb. "You know, my dear, just like I told you before, I’m with you all the time. But I’m limited in my power to intervene sometimes."

"Is that what happened yesterday? You couldn’t help?" She knows he probably can’t answer while he’s bound by the conditions of the commune spell, his head tilting to the side noncommittally, confirming her suspicions.

"But," he continues, "Look at it this way. Often, in my experience, things happen for a reason. I can neither confirm nor deny whether that was my intention in this specific example... but sometimes, even when things seem bad, there’s a blessing to be found through the curse. You just need to look for it." His smile warms her heart, and she can’t help but smile back at him.

"Thank you Traveler. You know that was really cliché... Hey! You should write the fortunes in fortune cookies! You’d be really good at that!"

He smirks and she sees a brief flash of amused green eyes. "How do you know I don’t? Goodbye Jester, and good luck." And with that, he fades before she can comment. She begins to pack away her statues, making sure to leave one for any passing visitors to find.

"So, what did he say about killing her?" Nott asks eagerly.

"Well, he said it’s possible for us to do it but it’s a big risk. Basically, I think he meant we could die, or at least some of us anyway." She says, coming back over to join the group.

"Fuck." The goblin sighs defeatedly. "Maybe I’ll just have to get used to this body after all."

"We still have options Nott." Beau says quietly, patting her awkwardly on the back.

"I am not having you leave for me." Nott's voice is stern, motherly. It makes Jester wonder about her own mother, a wave of sadness hitting her again at the thought of not knowing her. "It’s just a body, this is your life we’re talking about. It’s not a fair trade. I can’t have you hurting like that for me."

Caduceus pours himself another cup of tea, offering the kettle to anyone else who wants a second helping, but they all refuse glumly. "We do still have options. I never spoke to Isharnai."

"Nor did I." Caleb offers her a small smile that she’s sure is meant to be reassuring, but ends up looking grim.

"It’s worth a try." Fjord stands, stretching out his back. "We can start making our way back there at least. Perhaps inspiration will come to us along the way."

They begin to prepare for the journey in silence, their mood bleak. With the fire smothered and the simple camp dismantled, the group head off in the same direction they came from last night, and Jester can't quite settle the uneasy feeling that comes with the idea facing Isharnai again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I hope I got their "voices" right, I had a lot of fun trying at least!)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Talks Machina... I wrote this before the one accompanying episode 93 came out, not sure if I felt kind of bummed or really happy for sharing headspace with a certain cast member. You’ll know why if you’ve seen it ;)

Jester's memories of the day before are patchy. She supposes it’s a combination of the curse coming into effect and the amount of interaction she must have had with this group of people she doesn’t remember. But what she does remember, vividly in fact, is the waiting. The anxiety ridden, uncomfortable, deathly silent time between people going into Isharnai's hut and leaving it again.

Today, as the group waits once again for one of their number to leave the decrepit hut, the stakes are raised considerably, and the angst is even worse. It’s odd, she thinks to herself, that she should feel so profoundly worried for people she technically only met last night. It’s as though the memories are gone but the feelings are still there, muted and muffled, but there nonetheless. The thought of one of them committing some awful sacrifice for her is unbearable.

"How long's he been in there?" Beau asks quietly. She’s been pacing like a caged tiger, looking like she might just snap at any moment and rush at the door. Her fingers are wrapped so tightly around her staff that her knuckles are almost white. Fjord places a gentle hand on her shoulder as she passes him and she finally stops her pacing, instead bouncing nervously on her heels. To her other side, Yasha offers her a small smile and takes the monk's hand.

"Fourteen minutes and twenty three seconds." Caleb answers sombrely. There’s a calm to him that Jester is drawn to. He’s not uncaring, she can tell that he’s worried by his fingers endlessly tapping together in an intricate pattern her eyes can’t follow, and by the deep furrow in his brow. Worry lines etched into the skin over time, hinting at a story she both wishes she remembered and is glad she doesn’t. There’s something fascinating about the wizard that she can’t quite put her finger on. And maybe that’s exactly what it is, she wonders to herself. Maybe he’s just as enigmatic now as he was when she knew him better.

He looks at her quizzically and she realises she’s been staring at him. "How do you know the exact time? Is that what your fingers are doing, counting?" She asks in an attempt at covering for her gawking, but also genuinely interested.

His hands still abruptly, disappearing inside the pockets of his coat as though he’s embarrassed. "No, sorry, I’m just restless... Knowing the time is just something I’ve always been able to do."

"He’s very clever." Nott says from beside him, smiling up at him proudly. He shrugs off the praise looking flustered.

There’s a low, loud creak as the door to the hut slowly opens, the large silhouette of Caduceus almost filling the crooked entrance, framed by the dim light inside. His shoulders are hunched as he walks out, leaving the door open behind him. With his long strides and almost ethereal grace he traverses the tangle of roots and rocks down towards them with ease, but there’s a sway to his gait that seems wrong. When he reaches them he sits heavily on a fallen tree trunk, placing his head in his hands and looking exhausted.

"What happened Caduceus?" Fjord asks warily, sitting carefully beside him.

The firbolg gives a long, loud exhale. "That was... intense. She really gets inside your soul. It’s like therapy in a lot of ways, but without the positive end result." He smiles, but there’s a sadness in it that Jester finds unnerving.

"What did you give her Cad?" Beau asks, her voice so quiet it’s almost a whisper.

"Not your faith?" Yasha asks, her face contorted in worry. "The Wildmother?"

"No. No, not that." He chuckles sadly then frowns, swallowing thickly before speaking again. "She suggested I give up my faith, but I told her it wasn’t mine to give. Faith isn’t just communing and worshipping, not to me. It’s a deep seated belief in a higher power than ourselves. I wouldn’t be able to just stop believing in the Wildmother, because she’s part of me. She’s part of my history, my family. I could denounce her a million times over, I would still have felt her power and her influence."

"So, if not the Wildmother, then what?" Asks Fjord softly.

"I mentioned that I was on a path. She asked me what it was and we talked for a while about the Blooming Grove, what was happening to it and my part in trying to heal it. She got a real hungry look in her eye. She has some awful table manners doesn’t she." He chuckles weakly. With her patchy memory, Jester doesn’t understand the context of everything he’s saying, but his attempt at distracting from some of the hurt he’s obviously feeling with humour is plain as day. "She asked me to give it up. To stop searching for my family and for a cure to the blight in the grove."

"And did you?" Nott asks hesitantly. There’s a subtle note of eagerness in her voice, a desperation Jester can understand under the circumstances. He looks down at his lap and shakes his head.

"I told her again, I couldn’t. What’s happening in my home is bigger than any of us. It’s a wrong in the world that needs to be healed, it’s imperative. I think my path is set out for me, and whether I choose to pursue it or not, it’s inevitable. That much was clear to me when you first found me in the grove. My destiny is set, and it doesn’t feel as though this is the end of that journey. I can stray from the path, but I’d find it again eventually, and the deal would be broken."

"So you didn’t make a deal with her?" Beau's voice is steadier now, accepting almost as she looks to the door.

"I gave up my home. Once it’s been put right, I can never go back there."

There’s a collective silence, no one seeming to know what to say. Fjord puts an arm around the firbolg's shoulders, rubbing his arm consolingly. "I’m sorry Caduceus. That was... extraordinary of you."

"It was necessary." He shrugs before looking apologetically to Jester. "It only affected Nott's curse though. One deal for one curse, she said. She made me choose which of you to help, and I had to go with Nott, for her family. I’m sorry Jester." Caduceus looks so forlorn, so remorseful even, that she couldn’t be upset with him even if she wanted to be.

"It’s ok Caduceus," she feels her eyes brimming with tears as she speaks, voice cracking, "you don’t have to apologise. You did an amazing thing."

She turns as she sees a flurry of movement from the corner of her eye, Beau beginning to walk stoically towards the hut before Yasha leaps to her feet to her feet and blocks her path.

"Don’t Beau."

The monk doesn’t struggle against the barbarian's grasp, speaking passively. "I have to. You heard what she said, one deal for one curse. I have a deal on the table, and Jessie can’t stay like this. I’ll be fine."

"No." For all its simplicity, Yasha's reply is forceful. Beau's previously downcast eyes lift to find the other woman's, and the two share an intense look. Jester doesn’t have a clue what their history is, but she's pretty sure they’re either going to kiss or start fighting any minute now.

"Hold your horses Beauregard." Their gaze shifts to Caleb, who interrupts the tense exchange. "I haven’t spoken with her yet." The monk sighs impatiently.

"She told Yasha already, she’s little use for people with so much misery in their lives already. You match Yasha pretty evenly for suffering Caleb. What can you possibly offer her?"

"I have an idea." He answers matter-of-factly. He starts in the direction of the shack, striding with purpose, and Jester feels a sudden desperate urge to stop him.

Running after him, she passes him as he reaches the rocky foundations, turning and pressing her palms flat against his chest to halt his progress. "Please, don’t. I’m ok, really. I mean, it’ll be hard sure, but I’ll get to know all you guys again, and you can just help me fill in the blanks!"

"Your mother Jester..."

"I’ll just meet her all over again." She says pleadingly. "I don’t need my memories, and you know, this is kind of all my fault anyway... Please don’t go in there Cayleb. Please don’t hurt yourself for me. I don’t want any of you to sacrifice anything for me." She feels her bottom lip quiver, the tears that have been threatening all morning starting to spill. He gives her a sad smile, and she knows nothing she says will probably make a difference, but she still has to try.

"Blueberry, there is no one I would rather hurt myself for. I’ve done a lot of bad in my life Jester, things I’m too ashamed to tell you about. But this, this is a good thing that I can do. And for Beauregard too, she can’t leave us like this. I'm already broken, better I suffer a little bit more instead of all of you."

"Will you stop! No one has to suffer!" She runs a hand through her hair, tugging at one of her horns crossly. "I just... I don’t understand it. I’ve known you for less than a day and it feels like... It feels like there’s _something_ there, between us. I like you Cayleb. A lot. That can’t just have appeared overnight, so what am I missing? What haven’t you told me?"

He frowns and shifts uncomfortably, taken off guard by the sudden change in topic. "There is nothing to tell Jester, we are just friends, you don’t feel that way about me..."

"But you feel that way about me don’t you? I haven’t read it wrong have I?" He looks down at his boots and she ducks her head to catch his gaze again. "Or... is it more? Are you in love with me Cayleb?"

He stares at her for a moment, seeming indecisive, before giving her the tiniest of nods. "But it doesn’t matter. I can’t be with you Jester, because I’m not good enough for you. The things I’ve done... I don’t deserve you, and I never will. You deserve someone who’s going to give you as much joy as you bring to the rest of us, and that isn’t me."

She doesn’t know what to say to that, her mind going completely blank. So instead, she rises up on her tiptoes and without giving it a second thought, presses her lips firmly to his. She feels him tense for just a fraction of a second before he gives into it, not kissing her back, but not pulling away immediately either.

After what feels like barely a few seconds he draws back, resting his forehead against hers with his eyes closed. "Don’t make this any harder than it already is Jester."

"What am I making harder Cayleb?" She can’t help but smirk, the words out before she can stop them, like a reflex. She silently blames the Traveler, imagining his laughter in her head.

Caleb gives what she presumes is a long-suffering sigh. "You give me emotional whiplash."

She’s not sure whether to take that as a compliment or not, but she figures he can’t mind all that much given how he feels about her. And _that_ she absolutely _is_ taking as a compliment. In spite of the emotion of the predicament they’re in, a little part of Jester feels overjoyed at his revelation. It makes her question whether her immediate attraction to him the night before really is just a reaction to her situation, or if there was always something there for her after all.

"You really don’t have to do this." She tries again, moving back just enough to peer up into his eyes pleadingly.

He smiles down at her so radiantly that it makes her stomach knot, knowing what he’s about to put himself through for her. "I do. You deserve to have your memories complete. I know what it’s like to have them tampered with, I can’t let you continue to go through the same. I can’t love you the way I want to Blueberry, but I can do this for you." He takes one of her hands in his and lifts it to his mouth, kissing the knuckles before placing it gently back by her side and walking around her.

At the doorway, framed in the diluted candlelight within, he looks back at them all one last time before turning to enter the shack, the door closing firmly behind him.

**********************

Caleb's mind races as he takes the final few steps into the hut. He’s still in a daze, not quite believing what just happened. He’d never intended for her to know how he feels, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and he isn’t above weaponising his feelings to manipulate a situation when there’s call for it. And if he hadn't convinced her to let him go, he knows there’s only two ways this is going to play out - Beauregard breaking all their hearts by making a deal to leave, or more likely at this point, a fight he’s certain they have no chance of winning.

_Besides_ , he thinks to himself, _she only thinks she likes me because she doesn’t know me, and I was kind to her. She's vulnerable right now. She won’t feel the same when she remembers me. She wouldn’t want me if she knew what I’d done..._ He knows there will be no happy ending for them, and that’s ok. He’s long come to terms with that. But seeing her like this, knowing how much she’s lost as a result of her bravery in trying to keep them safe... that he can’t stand.

The door slams behind him, startling him from his thoughts, and he silently scolds himself for overthinking.

Isharnai sniffs, her heavily wrinkled face screwing up in disgust. "You are like your friend from yesterday, another so full of misery already long suffered. Unlikely there is much left for me to feed on."

He sits opposite the hag. "I have a proposition for you."

She leans toward him, towering over him even bent forward, twin sets of elbows braced on her knees as she studies him intently. "I’m listening."

"I haven’t much to give that won’t impact them," He nods towards the door, gesturing to the rest of the Nein waiting outside, "and aside from them, I have nothing. When I met Nott, I was a shell. No family, no friends, no coin, very little sanity... only the rags on my back and a deep sense of self loathing."

"This doesn’t sound promising..." Isharnai flexes her too-long fingers impatiently.

"I’m getting to it, I promise. My point is that I continued regardless. Because I had a plan. A purpose. It’s why I became friends with all of them out there, to use them in furthering myself and achieving my goal. I’m ashamed to admit that, but I’m ashamed of a lot and that’s one of the least heinous of my crimes. I am not a good man."

"And what is this goal? A man such as yourself, supposedly as adept at causing misery as you are at feeling it, could find great reward in striking a different kind of deal. The tiefling caused her own demise after all. Let her punishment lie, perhaps instead we can come to an arrangement that benefits you?" She licks her lips, her mouth turning upwards into a cunning smile.

Hatred courses through him, not for her, but for himself. Because for a split second, he actually considers it. He takes a deep breath in and out, her grin growing wider as she senses his indecision.

"If I don’t help her, they will come for you."

"Then they will die."

"I know. That’s why I'm doing this." He looks down at his trembling hands, linking his fingers to try and still their shaking. "Because I love them."

"And yet, you admit to having used them." She quirks an eyebrow quizzically.

"I told you. I’m not a good man."

"And yet, not so bad that you’ll throw them to the wolves to help yourself. Disappointing." She sneers. "So. What exactly is it that you are offering?"

"The thing I’ve been working on. I’m offering to give it up." The words taste like ash in his mouth, his stomach in knots.

Isharnai looks interested, but skeptical. She raises a sharp nailed finger to tap at her lips. "I need more information than that. This has to mean something quite profound. It’s termination must bring a sorrow greater than that felt by your friend at the loss of her memories. I need a good return on this deal you see."

"I've been working towards... altering time itself. In order to change something in my past." He mutters.

The hag leans further forward, crowding him eagerly. He can see threads of saliva beginning to gather at the edges of her mouth and has to stop himself from shivering in disgust. "Keep talking."

"My parents died. I wanted to save them."

"Seems rather an overreaction still." She drags a nail over the table top between them, carving a long, dark scratch into the grimy wood. "What are you holding back?"

"I killed them."

Isharnai's eyes light up. "Delightful."

Caleb doesn’t know what to feel. There’s relief that she’ll accept the deal, that Jester will regain her memories. That Beauregard won’t have to leave them, and that they can leave this place now without having to resort to violence that would almost certainly have ended in their painful demise. But aside from that the sudden numbness he feels is unexpected. He thought there would be anguish, despair, grief even. But all he feels is empty.

Isharnai, on the other hand, is grinning gleefully, curled fingers held up to her grinning mouth like a child waiting impatiently for a slice of cake. "There will be rules of course."

"Of course." He repeats in a dull monotone.

"Deals made on the promise of future actions are common enough. I'll know if you don’t keep your end, I feel a broken deal immediately and keenly, and I do not take lightly a promise revoked. I prefer to feed upon slow suffering but when I am wronged, my revenge can take more a immediate form. Your tiefling friend was lucky I was feeling charitable yesterday... In this case, should you have succeeded in your quest, your actions may have taken you out of my reach, and that is not something I can allow, you understand..?" He nods weakly. "I thought you might. So what I propose is this. You will not knowingly work towards changing the past. You will not ask others to do so for you. And if you ever happen to stumble upon such a possibility, you will not pursue it. If you break these terms, I will come for you. And if I cannot find you, I will find her. Do we have a deal?"

"We have a deal." He rasps out quietly.

Isharnai immediately sets about gathering jars and ingredients from the shelves around the room, barely having to reach out of her seat with her long arms and fingers. As she mixes together a rancid looking concoction in a glass beaker, Caleb stares blankly at the table. After a few minutes, the gross looking substance is slowly pushed over to him.

"Drink." She instructs.

He has just enough presence of mind to grimace at the liquid as it slides thickly down his throat, the taste utterly vile but at this point, he’s almost relieved to be able to feel anything at all, even if it's only disgust. When he finishes, the hag closes her eyes in ecstasy, the same cruel cackle he heard during Nott's failed ritual bursting from her wrinkled mouth obnoxiously loud in the cramped space.

"And Jester's curse?" He asks bitterly, placing the beaker down.

She waves a hand dismissively. The light around them dims threateningly, the shadows stretching as the candles lighting the space flicker for a few seconds. "It is done."

The door creaks open behind him, and unsteadily he rises to make his way back outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and the kudos so far, I really appreciate it :)


	4. Chapter 4

As the door closes behind Caleb, Jester slumps down on a large root protruding from the hut's foundations. The sun is well below its peak still, but she feels so drained it may as well be midnight as opposed to midday.

"That was intense." She looks up as Yasha comes to join her, crouching on the opposite side of the path on a large, flat topped boulder.

"It was wasn’t it. Are things always like that between us?" The tiefling asks, wrapping her arms around herself.

"No. Well, not that I’ve noticed. I’ve been away for a while though so... maybe I missed something while I was gone."

"You have? Where did you go?" Jester asks, eager to distract herself from the present situation.

Yasha looks uncomfortable. "It's... a long story. But you’ll probably remember it soon anyway so I won’t go into it now." The barbarian smiles reassuringly, but as Jester glances at the closed door of the hut, she feels anything but consoled. Her mind drifts to Caleb again, what he and Isharnai are talking about, what he’s offering, how much he’s hurting... Her eyes drop to the floor again and she bites her cheek, anxiously swinging her feet.

"He’ll be ok Jester. He doesn’t look very strong, and I don’t think he feels it, but he is. Whatever happens in there, he has us now, and we’ll get him through it." She can’t help but smile, albeit weakly, at the large woman's calm certainty.

"What do you think he’ll give her?"

"I don’t know," she answers, shrugging her broad shoulders, "but I know he cares a great deal for you. He’ll think of something."

Jester isn’t sure whether she's comforted by that or not. She and Yasha sit in companionable silence, the quiet only broken by a short exchange of bickering between Nott and Fjord, but she doesn’t hear the cause of it. She’s too busy staring at the crooked hut door, waiting for any sound or sign of movement from the other side.

After what feels like hours, it abruptly creaks open. Her heart is in her mouth for the few secondsit takes for him to appear, and when he does, he looks as pale and shell-shocked as she’d feared. It reminds her of how he looked when Nott died in the Happy Fun Ball...

It’s only then that she notices her memories are back. She’s not sure what she was expecting, a headache, a sharp pain, an overwhelming explosion of thoughts, but there was nothing. It’s all just back, as though it were never gone at all. He takes a few unsteady steps, and she’s vaguely aware that she’s crying as she makes her way up to meet him.

"Cayleb..." Her voice breaks at the emptiness in his eyes as she pulls him into a hug, his body stiff and unresponsive.

"Your memories are back?" He asks so quietly she barely catches it.

"Yes." She nods. "Thank you Cayleb. Are you..."

"Good. Let’s go." He interrupts, gently moving out of her grasp and continuing down the incline to the swamp below. The rest of the Nein watch him intently.

"Caleb?" Nott approaches hesitantly. "What happened? What did you..."

"I am fine. Everything is fine. I just want to get out of here." Jester watches helplessly as he begins to clear a patch of ground with his bare hands, just high enough to keep dry from the worst of the damp, and barely big enough to draw a teleportation circle. The rest of them hover worriedly but seem to accept his obvious desire not to be mollycoddled.

With the circle almost finished, they all step on and Caleb completes the spell, the air around them rushing, gravity receding and then coming back in a surge of pressure as they find themselves in the Lucid Bastion. Immediately Caleb begins to walk in the direction of the exit. The guards stationed in the room, already nervy at the Mighty Nein's sudden unannounced arrival, draw their swords, moving to block his exit before recognition sets in and they step back tutting exasperatedly.

"Apologies," Fjord calls over to them as the group follow the wizard, trying to keep up with his brisk pace, "we’re having rather a shitty day, but we'll make sure to message ahead of arriving next time."

The short walk back to the Xhorhaus is marred by an awkward silence, none of them knowing quite what to say to either Caleb or Caduceus, and painfully aware that the wizard in particular clearly has no desire for them to even try. Jester wants so badly to catch him up and slip her hand into his, just a silent little gesture to show him he isn’t alone, but she knows him well enough to understand that physical contact doesn’t carry the same comfort for him as it does for her, and that in this state it’ll likely only make him feel worse.

When they arrive at the house, the front door chimes ringing out in a jolly mockery of the group's collective solemn mood, he goes straight to his room beyond the study with only a quick mumbled "I need to be alone." Beau briefly tries to stop him, but her efforts are half-hearted and he ignores her completely, the study door thudding closed softly behind him.

With him gone, their attention turns once more to Caduceus, quiet and thoughtful in his despair, but Jester can tell it’s just as profound as Caleb's. After a while, their sympathy seems to be too much even for him, and he excuses himself.

"I just...need some time. I think I’ll take a nap. Everything seems better after sleep." He smiles unconvincingly at them before ascending the curved stairway up to the tree and his bed.

"Jester, you Ok?" Nott asks, coming to sit beside the tiefling at the dining table where the remaining members of the group have naturally gravitated to.

She sighs heavily, pulling her knees up to her chest on the little wooden chair. "I don’t know. There’s a lot to unpack about this whole thing. I’m happy, but I feel so bad too."

"Yea. I can relate to that." Nott says, ears drooping slightly as she looks in the direction of Caduceus' room. "I think I’m going to go talk to Caleb, see if he’s doing ok. What about you, what are you planning on doing?"

Jester pauses, thinking for a moment. What she really wants is to crawl into bed and pretend none of this ever happened, followed a close second by wanting to go with Nott to speak to Caleb. But she’s quite confident he won’t want to see her right now, and anyway, she’s absolutely no idea how she feels on that score either so avoiding him seems best all round.

Out of nowhere, she is hit by an overwhelming need to see her mother. It seems so wrong that she could ever have forgotten her, and even though the memories have returned now, she can’t quite forget the feeling of emptiness that came from being bereft of them. Of her mother's soothing voice, her arms holding her tight after childhood nightmares, her fingers stroking idly through her hair while they read together on quiet days.

Tears brim in her eyes, and she gets up to go to her room, hoping Nott won’t notice. "Could you, um... could you ask Caleb to take us to Nicodranas soon please? I’d really like to see my Mama."

"Sure. Of course." Nott replies, and although Jester is sure she must have heard the lump in her throat as she made the request, the goblin thankfully doesn’t say any more than that.

As soon as she reaches her room, she closes the door behind her, sinks to the floor with her back against it, and quietly sobs, the emotion of the past day finally catching up with her.

*************************

Caleb's head feels like it’s been hit with a brick and stuffed with wool, the ringing in his ears muffling sound as though he’s underwater. His feet move down the slope in a slow shuffle, and somewhere distantly in his mind he knows he has to clear the fog because he’ll never make it to the bottom of the steep, rocky incline without injury if he doesn’t.

"Cayleb." He hears faintly, and is suddenly aware of Jester approaching. She hugs him, and it should be as wonderful and awkward as every other time she’s hugged him, but he feels nothing. He’s just numb, and maybe, he thinks to himself, that’s for the best right now. Because if he thinks too hard about what he just gave away, he’s not sure he'll cope. _Not in front of them. I can’t collapse in front of them._

"Your memories are back?" He hears himself ask, almost in a whisper.

"Yes. Thank you Cayleb. Are you..."

That’s all the conversation he can stand at the moment, so he briskly interrupts, moves away from her to the nearest dry space big enough, and sets about drawing a teleportation circle without checking with the group if that’s what they want. It’s what he _needs_ , and they’ll just have to deal with that because he can’t _breathe_ in this fucking humid, stinking swamp...

Nott tries to get him talking but again he brushes her off with a firm reassurance that he’s fine, and she doesn’t press him further on it. With the circle drawn and the jump to Rosohna complete, he stalks off as quickly as he can for the house, and the solitude of his bedroom.

As soon as they arrive he heads towards the study and his bedroom beyond, shrugging off Beau's attempts at comforting him, desperate to be alone before the dam bursts and he can’t hold it in any longer.

He collapses onto his bed and screams into the pillow till his throat is raw, weeping like a child.

He knows it was a stupid plan. At first it was a pipe dream with little to no chance of even being possible. But it was hope. And it was a way to pretend that on some level, his mother and father were not really gone. Not _gone_ gone, not forever. Just temporarily out of reach. And that was important because it wasn’t just their comfort he needed, but the chance of redemption, to put things right, to save his soul from whatever lie in wait for him after death claimed him. He always had been selfish after all, manipulative and self-serving, even now sometimes.

And then he’d met Nott, and she’d helped him to survive. And after that he’d met the Nein and just as he’d intended when he suggested to Nott all those months ago that there was safety in numbers, they had kept them both alive along the way. The thing he hadn’t foreseen however, was what else they had done. The doors they had opened for him, his stratospheric growth in power, and the people they had met on this mad, chaotic journey.

And they had healed him too. Taken a black, broken heart and made it feel again.

He’d been humbled by his fall from grace, that he’d felt profoundly from the moment the old woman had taken away his madness in the Asylum. But he’d been feral still then. Unable to process any emotion but sorrow and terror. Nott had helped, provided company and comfort, but the gradual realisation that their little group of misfits had become a proper family... that had been the real turning point.

But it had all come with a cost. His mad little plan to bend time had become unexpectedly possible. Still far off, still in doubt, but unquestionably valid.

And now it was gone. They were gone. Finally, as he chokes out quiet sobs, trembling and nauseous, Caleb Widogast says goodbye to his mother and father for good.

He hears soft yet insistent tapping at the door and is suddenly aware that a few hours have passed without him realising. Whether he slept or just blanked out he’s unsure, but as he makes his way to the door and opens it, he’s aware he must look like a mess. Nott's concerned glance up and down at his crumpled, disheveled appearance confirms that.

"Oh Caleb... don’t take this the wrong way but you look awful."

"Danke." He replies dryly, sitting heavily on the bed. Nott sits beside him, taking his hand in her smaller one.

"Please tell me what you did Caleb. I’m worried about you. We all are."

"I can’t." He whispers. "Please Nott, I can't. And honestly I’m not... I’m not alright. I’m hurting badly right now, but just... just give me some time, ok?"

"Ok..." She answers, sounding unconvinced. Without warning she climbs into his lap and hugs him tight. "But we’re here for you, when you’re ready. We all love you Caleb, I hope you know that."

 _You wouldn’t, if you knew..._ He stays silent but brings his arms up to rest on her back, returning the hug weakly.

"Jester wanted me to ask if you could take her home. I’m not sure if you’re up for it, I’m sure she can wait a few days if you can’t face it... But I wanted to ask you something too. Before we go to Nicodranas... could we try to change me again?"

He stares at her dazedly. "You’re sure?"

"I am. I wasn’t... but after what Caduceus did for me, how can I not? He gave up his home so that I could go back to mine."

"He wouldn’t want you to feel pressured Nott, if you need more time, no one is going to think badly of you."

She nods resolutely. "No, I think I'm ready. I want to change. I want to be Veth when I see Yeza and Luc again." This time it’s him who hugs her, his arms stronger around her than before.

"Then we should get on with it."

"Now? Like right now?" She asks in surprise, pulling back to look at him.

"No time like the present." He shrugs.

"No but... are you ok? You look wrecked."

"Again, danke. I’d appreciate the distraction."

Not two hours later, and still somewhat in a daze, Caleb finds himself alone again as he goes over his notes on the transformation spell, though now in the cool, minimalistic lab of Essek Thelyss. The others, seeming to sense his need to be alone still, have split into two groups to source the material components for the spell, Nott, Caduceus and Fjord having gone in search of the gem dust, and the remaining three currently vandalising Essek's garden for the necessary clay.

The latch on the lab door clicks as it opens, revealing the man himself. "They’re almost done outside, are you ready Caleb?"

"I... don’t know." He sighs heavily, resting his head in his hands on the solid mahogany table. "I need a clear head before I begin for the bond between Nott and I to work properly. But I can’t think straight."

"The ladies downstairs informed me of this morning's events." Essek says grimly. Caleb can’t quite believe it's only been that long, it feels like weeks ago already. "I don’t need to know the details of what you bargained with her to know it has already caused you a great deal of pain. If you’re not ready for this Caleb, there’s no shame in admitting it. They’ll understand. Nott, will understand."

"I can’t let her down, she’s waited long enough." He looks to the drow wizard by his side, his heart hammering in sudden fear. "What if I can’t focus on what I want her to become and it fails again? I don’t know if I can do this..." He leaps up from his seat and turns for the door, scratching at the scars on his arms in distress.

"Caleb," Essek interjects calmly, gripping his shoulders as he floats effortlessly in front of him to block his trajectory towards the door, "you are without doubt one of the most talented magic users that I have ever come across, let alone mentored. But we all have our breaking points. We all need to be selfish every once in a while. This isn’t about your ability, which is there in abundance. It’s about whether you are mentally well enough. After the day you seem to have had, there would be no shame in needing to postpone."

Caleb laughs humourlessly. "No shame? This is all about shame. _My_ shame. And it’s never going to go away now, it will always be there. And there’s nothing I can do about it."

Essek let’s his hands drop from his shoulders, studying him curiously. "What shame Caleb?"

He opens his mouth and is so, _so_ close to telling Essek the truth, to admitting his now ruined plans. He thinks the drow may even understand, he would have played a large part in realising the dream after all, Caleb knows he would have had to tell him at least part of the truth at some point. But it's irrelevant now. It’s a moot point, and there’s really no sense in potentially rocking the boat when nothing good can come of it. So he closes his mouth and turns back to his notes.

"Nothing. Forget I mentioned it. I’m fine."

Essek looks as though he might push him for an answer but the girls, covered head to toe in mud and sweat, begin to loudly make their way up the stairs and into the chamber carrying great chunks of clay from the garden. As they begin to model the clay basin the spell requires, Essek excuses himself and floats back out of the door, giving Caleb one last pointed look as he leaves.

Just as they’re finishing up, Fjord, Caduceus and Nott appear in the doorway, the goblin depositing a small pouch of gem dust on the desk beside him.

"Ready?" He asks her, a little part of him secretly hoping she’ll say no.

"As I’ll ever be." She replies with a nervous twist to her mouth. Shakily, she goes over to the damp clay tub and clambers inside, just as she did before.

"Do you have the image of what you want to be in your mind? Is it exactly the same as before?"

Nott nods. "Mhm. I mean... maybe bigger breasts... I don’t know, I’ll leave it up to you." She waves a hand dismissively, her cheeks flushing a slightly darker shade of green.

He takes one last deep breath, and begins the spell. Part way through, at the point when everything suddenly shattered and went wrong before, he reaches out the first tentative tendril of magic, to begin the transformative process. This time, as he imagines it snaking it’s way past the clay shell and into her body, there is no resistance. No hideous cackle. No curse blocking him.

Eyes falling shut, he can feel her body in his mind almost as if it were his own, shifting, changing, altering. The power of what he is doing to her is intoxicating. His head is so clear, clearer than it’s been for so many years, everything else fades into the background until there’s just him, and Nott, and the magic.

With one last intricately woven thread, the spell is complete. He opens his eyes to find things much as he left them, Essek and the rest of the Nein watching eagerly and fearfully from the edges of the room. The only difference is the clay tub, which now encases Nott completely so that she is no longer visible. Tentatively he kneels before it, bringing a hand up to press against the hard dried clay shell. He knocks twice, listening for a response. A silent few seconds pass, his heart in his mouth.

_Tap, tap_

"Nott?" He asks when the silence descends again. Another few seconds pass with no answer, and his stomach churns nervously. _What if it went wrong..?_

With a loud _crack_ , a small hand bursts out through the top of the clay, scattering tiny chunks onto the floor. A small, halfling hand...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... hasn’t a lot happened in the world since I last updated this. Needless to say, that is one reason it’s taken me so long. The other is that my son (who is autistic), has decided that going to bed is for wimps and he would much rather stay up snuggling with us for a few extra hours before finally going to sleep. And to be honest, even though it leaves me with barely any time in the evenings, with everything going on in the world recently, snuggle time has been pretty welcome.
> 
> So, sorry to ramble, but I want to wish anyone reading this health, happiness and love during this incredibly hard time xx

As he had expected, despite his exhaustion, sleep is elusive for Caleb. Unexpectedly though, it isn’t his despair keeping him awake. It’s adrenaline, still coursing through him after the transformation spell's success earlier in the day. He’s exhausted, physically and mentally, overwhelmed with so many emotions and disordered thoughts spinning through his mind, but there is an unmistakable sense of frenetic delight too.

The delight that comes from working through a spell, discovering something new and cultivating it, fixing it to become an arcane work of art. Learning it, preparing it, and finally, casting it to make your best friend happy.

Thinking back to that afternoon, happy seems disingenuous. Nott hadn't stopped smiling since, studying her hands every few minutes as if to check she really had become a halfling again, hardly able to believe she was back in the body she had left so violently at the hands of Isharnai and the goblin clan.

" _Thank you Caleb, you’re amazing. I’ll never be able to thank you enough_." She had said tearfully as she’d thrown her arms around his chest and hugged him so tight he could barely breathe.

" _You’re welcome, Veth_." Had been all he could think to answer with at the time, though he disagreed with her. The spell itself was amazing, but he was not. After all, the Shadowhand and Nott herself had helped him to complete it, and it had been the brainchild of Halas originally. Had they been able to, any one of the Nein would gladly have cast it for her.

_If anyone should be grateful, it’s me_. He thinks to himself, staring up at the ceiling barely visible to his human eyes in the dark room. After all, her acceptance, her friendship, and her bravery had saved him multiple times. And now, this spell might have too, in a way.

He can scarcely believe it, but Caleb has to admit to himself that quite unexpectedly, he can feel a tiny spark of hope. Hope that despite losing his chance to rewrite history and save his mother and father, his future might hold some purpose after all.

***********************

_Flame surges from his hand, palm extended towards the wagon full of freshly cut hay. Only a week ago he had been helping his father to sythe and bale the summer dried grass in their paddock behind the modest family home, but how things had changed since then. It makes his stomach knot with disgust to recall the days before his parent's betrayal. How they had lied to him, plotted against the Empire, the very people giving him a chance at betterment._

_Anger fans the arcane flames and Bren grits his teeth against the roaring heat. The wagon blazes in mere seconds, a small hand on his arm tugging at his sleeve._

_"You did it Bren! It’s done." Astrid beams up at him proudly, tears of joy in her eyes._

_"Caleb." He corrects quietly. "People call me Caleb now."_

_His stomach drops. The memories flood back in. He screams hoarsely, shrugging off her hand and throwing himself at the wagon, beating at the flames with his bare hands. He feels nothing, no pain, no searing heat, and the fire pays him no heed, embers spiralling lazily upwards into the darkened sky spreading the flames quickly to the thatched roof._

_Astrid and Eodwulf call out to him, the sound muted and muffled. He ignores them, trying in vain to beat out the fire raging out of control, already too late. He sucks in a ragged breath as he sobs, vaguely aware that the billowing smoke should fill his lungs and that it’s strange that it doesn’t. He turns and sinks to the floor against the wagon, the wood splintering and crackling at his back._

_"I can’t stop it. I failed. I’ll always fail." He weeps, closing his eyes._

_"Bren." He opens his eyes as two smooth hands cup his cheeks. His mother's auburn curls and smiling eyes fill his vision, bringing fresh tears. "Must you torture yourself? You’re stubborn as a mule, just like your father." Over her shoulder his father stands, distractedly stuffing his pipe with tobacco, rolling his eyes with a mildly offended grunt. The farmyard is quiet, deserted save for the three of them now, no sign of Astrid and Eodwulf. The fire rages on soundlessly behind him, flickering orange and red light illuminating his parents._

_"I killed you." He gasps out, gulping in a shuddering breath._

" _You did. A long time ago." She smiles serenely at him, as though they are discussing the time he broke her favourite vase running through the kitchen when he was four years old._

_"Time doesn’t matter. It doesn’t stop it hurting." Now there are tears in her own eyes, and it sends a stab of pain through his chest to see her sad because of him._

_"It doesn’t." She agrees with a small nod, "But dwelling on what can’t be changed won’t either."_

_"But I could have. I could have changed it, and I threw it away. I betrayed you again Mutter."_

_"At what cost boy?" His father asks, taking his pipe from between his teeth. "What you did to us was wrong, I won’t deny that. Your mother won't speak to me for a week but it’s true. I’ve always been a realist. You get that from me too." Una gives his father a sidelong look, tutting at him. "But what cost to put it right? You’re far from stupid boy. Risking what you were prepared to risk and doing it knowingly, that would have been ten times worse."_

_He knows his father is right. He’s always known. But he’s always been selfish too. "What do I do now?"_

_"You know what to do now Bren. Go on living, for us." His mother urges, smoothing a hand through his hair. He sighs at the exact same time as his father._

_"Una, the boy wants practical advice, not cliche's."_

_"Leofric! The gods know, I love you, but you drive me mad!" She tsks at her husband as he lights his pipe, a small fond smile playing on his lips at her outburst. Caleb revels in it, the ghost of a memory played out before him. "If practical is what you need, it's best coming from those who have shaped you into the man you are now, not us old phantoms rattling around your head. You always did think too much Liebling."_

Caleb blinks his eyes open, confused by the sudden darkness. He sighs heavily, bringing a hand up to rub at his face. Frumpkin stretches lazily on his chest, paws kneading at his neck reflexively. The wizard fusses him behind the ears blindly, smiling at the purring that breaks the silence of the room.

Through the door to his right he can hear the distant clangs and thuds of Caduceus making breakfast and decides to join the Firbolg, hoping his friend's calm demeanour will help to set him up for the day.

What he isn’t expecting as he enters the brightly lit kitchen, is to see Jester there already, still in her nightgown, perched on one of the counter tops, kicking her slippered feet rhythmically against a cupboard.

"Ah, Mister Caleb." Caduceus smiles widely at him before he has a chance to escape unseen. "You’re looking well rested this morning. Did you sleep well?"

He clears his throat and sits in one of the chairs crowding the small kitchen table. "I did, thank you." Thinking back to his dream, he smiles warmly. "And you? Both of you?" He asks, acknowledging the little blue tiefling for the first time.

"Fine." She answers with a smile, and immediately he knows she’s lying. He often does. He’s got to know her little tells over time, and Caleb is sure that he can detect more than a little sadness in her overly cheerful answer. Caduceus eyes the pair of them before announcing that he needs to set the dining room table, refusing Jester's swift offer to help.

The silence stretches between them after he leaves. Finally, Caleb stands to pour himself a cup of tea from the pot beside Jester, studiously avoiding eye contact with her. "Now that I’ve slept, I can take you and... Veth to Nicodranas as soon as you’re ready. And the others too, I assume they’ll want to come."

"Thank you Caleb." She says, and he can hear the relief clear in her voice. "Thank you for everything." She adds quietly. Looking up at her, her face an inch or two higher than his own from her position on the counter, he gets lost in her earnest eyes. She’s serious, more serious than he’s seen her in a while, and it’s absolutely captivating. He’s always known, more so than most of the others he thinks, that for all her endearing cheek and playfulness, Jester is deeply emotionally intelligent, and that she hides her pain well.

"What's wrong?" He asks concernedly. She looks taken aback, as though the answer should be obvious. Before he knows what’s happening, her lips are on his for a brief, soft kiss. She looks shocked when she pulls away, and he knows his own expression must mirror hers.

"Sorry." She blurts out, her cheeks turning a deep lavender colour.

"It's... ok." He mumbles awkwardly. He’s never been any good at this stuff. Reading people has always come pretty naturally to him, but when it’s anything even vaguely romantic he finds it a total mystery. Astrid was so direct it was simple, practical even. Whatever this is with Jester is too complicated for his brain to even begin to process. _There’s nothing to process,_ he tells himself sadly, _I can’t have her and that’s that._

Jester hops down off the counter and hurries out just as Caduceus reappears in the doorway. “Oh dear.” He says calmly. “Emotions are bound to be a little raw right now. She’ll be ok.”

“She’s a fool.” Caleb says darkly, his hands balled up into fists. If the Firbolg is taken aback he doesn’t show it. “It’s bad enough that any of you like me after what I’ve done, but for her to feel... whatever she feels...” he sighs dejectedly, the sudden burst of frustrated anger leaving him. “I was dealing with it. I was fine with unrequited when it was one sided. The last thing I want is to hurt her.”

“You need to tell her that. Give her a chance to say what she wants. In my, admittedly limited experience of this sort of thing Mister Caleb, being honest and open with each other is a good first step toward healing.”

Caleb barely has time to stare at Caduceus before a loudly yawning Beau stumbles in still half asleep. “Morning. I just saw Jester, she said there was breakfast?”

“There is, I was just about to bring it through. Will you join us?” He asks Caleb with a gentle smile.

“Uh, no. Thank you. I have a few things I need to prepare for later. I’m taking Nott... Veth, and Jester to Nicodranus this morning if you want too come too Beau. You’re all welcome of course.”

“Yea, sure. Sounds good.” She replies as another yawn forces her mouth open.

He makes a hasty retreat back to his bedroom, rigorously laying out and counting his equipment and spell components no less than four times before he’s satisfied that everything is in order for their journey, and is feeling marginally calmer.

An hour later, with everything prepared and everyone ready, Caleb draws out the teleportation circle to deliver them to Yussa’s tower.

“Oh shit, we forgot to...” Fjord begins as they all quickly step onto it, the air rushing nauseatingly around them for an instant before they appear in the locked stone teleportation room, “...let them know we were coming.” He finishes as Wensforth’s steps begin to echo on the stairs outside. Jester, who would usually wryly defend their lack of warning, remains quiet. Caleb can see as plain as day that she is subdued, but apart from Caduceus, who gives him a considering glance, none of the others seem to notice.

Keys jangle in the lock before the door opens to reveal a wary Wensforth, who visibly relaxes when he sees who it is. “Hello. I take it you’re just passing through.” He says, more of a statement than a question.

“We are,” Fjord smiles congenially, “sorry for turning up unannounced. Again.”

“We've come to expect it. I’ll let you out.” He turns to start down the stairs.

“Is Yussa here?” Caleb asks quickly.

“He is... you wish to see him?”

“I do. If he has time.” The group turn all eyes on him uncertainly. “The rest of you feel free to go on, I’ll catch you up.”

“Very well, I’ll ask him on the way out.” Wensforth nods and begins to descend.

Not ten minutes later Caleb finds himself sitting opposite the older wizard with a cup of tea, the others having reluctantly left for the Lavish Chateau.

“What was it you wanted to discuss?” Yussa asks, interested but with an edge of suspicion.

“I wanted to ask about purpose. You are long lived and powerful, I will not have the former and lack the latter too, for now at least, but I find myself at a... at a crossroads of sorts. Until recently I had a goal that I was working towards, but I find it suddenly and unexpectedly gone. Of course, I have the Mighty Nein for now but realistically we cannot stay together forever. I need to have some idea of what life without them might look like, something to fall back on that will occupy me and give me some purpose in life.”

Yussa purses his lips and gives him a considering look. “You were not always pursuing this one goal though?”

“For the past five years I was. Before that is complex."

“Judging by your skirting round the issue, I assume you’re not willing to give me any details of what it was you were looking to do?” The other wizard leans back in his large winged armchair, threading his fingers together.

“I... was investigating a very particular field of magic. I cannot pursue it any longer. I also cannot say why.” He grimaces apologetically.

“There are other fields that you could explore, you don’t need me to tell you that. But that isn’t really what you’re conflicted about is it?"

"How do you... how do you keep going? What is it that drives you Yussa? I ask because... without the Nein, and this previous goal, I have nothing. I don’t know who I am without something to work towards. I know one day I’ll lose my friends, they’ll all move on with their lives, as they should do, and I’ll be left rudderless, wondering what's next. Before desperation and despair cloud my judgement, I need some idea of what to spend my time on, so that I’m less likely to make bad choices."

Yussa considers him silently for what feels like minutes before speaking again, quietly. "You don’t think very much of yourself, do you Caleb."

"No." He answers matter-of-factly, resigned to it for a long time now. "I have done things I am deeply ashamed of. We both know what this power can do to someone, and I have no intention of becoming another Halas. I credit myself unduly, I will never be that powerful, but you understand my meaning."

Yussa huffs in amusement, taking a sip of his tea. "Usually I admire in a person the ability to overthink things. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it's not possible to overthink arcane research, only to be thorough. You though Caleb, you have altered my world view. Apparently it most certainly is possible to overthink this subject."

"I’m not overthinking it. I’m planning ahead. I’m scared of... myself. Of what I’m capable of..."

"Do you know any morally dubious wizard who has uttered that same sentiment?" Yussa leans forwards, resting his hands on his knees.

Caleb frowns, searching his memory. "I do not. But I would not say that I know of very many..."

"I have known rather a few. And fear of oneself is not a trait I would attribute to any of them. What you have done in the past is unimportant, not because it can’t be changed, but because it has clearly changed you. Your fear of repeating the same mistakes is the very thing that will prevent you from making them again."

They sit in silence for a while, Yussa sipping his Blooming Grove tea leftover from Caduceus' supply the last time they visited, and Caleb collecting his thoughts.

"Thank you, Yussa." Caleb says eventually, rising steadily from his armchair. "You’ve been a great help."

The older man rises as well, nodding his head in acknowledgment. "If you do ever find yourself at a loose end, I’m sure I can find something to occupy you, should you feel you need it. Wensforth mentioned that your goblin friend seems to have been replaced by a new halfling acquaintance. I presume you perfected Halas' transformation spell?"

Caleb clears his throat, shrugging off the praise he knows is coming. "I had considerable help from another friend of ours, and Nott herself assisted too."

"Nevertheless, to achieve it at all is nothing short of extraordinary. And I am certain you had much more of a hand in it than you’ll willingly admit. I challenged you when I saw you last, and you rose to it. You have a very bright future ahead of you Caleb, if you’ll only choose to grasp it with both hands." He leads him to the dark oak panelled door to one side of the snug sitting room, opening it out onto the familiar sights and sounds of the Open Quay.

Heading in the direction of the Lavish Chateau, Caleb wonders how in less than a year he's gone from penniless and on the run, to being granted offers to work with two of the most powerful and talented wizards he’s ever come across.

************************

"Will you stop doing that?" Beau huffs as Jester glances over her shoulder at Tidepeak Tower for what the blue tiefling realises must be the umpteenth time since they started walking away from it. She frowns one last time at the unnaturally shrinking building before forcing herself to turn her attention back to the group.

"Sorry."

Beau sighs, visibly sagging with what Jester thinks looks like guilt. "You don’t have to apologise, I’m just irritable, it’s not your fault. I shouldn’t take it out on you."

Jester realises that the more she considers it, the more she realises Beau really has been grouchy, ever since they saw her parents. She immediately feels like a terrible friend, first distracted by what Isharnai's curse had done to her, and then with... a certain stinky wizard. _Not so stinky now_ , she thinks to herself, _actually he smells great now. Not nice exactly, but just... like him. Musty like books, and slightly sweaty, and with a hint of smoke that never quite leaves him, and..._ she shakes herself both mentally and physically.

"Are you ok Beau?" She asks, determined to focus.

"Oh, I... um... I guess. Yea." Beau shrugs her shoulders dismissively and stares down to study her shoes intently as they walk. Jester takes that as a no.

"You know you can talk to me any time about it if you want to? I’m sorry I was distracted with the whole memory thing before. But it’s all fixed now and I'm focussed and ready to listen!" Jester has to stop herself from turning to look at the tower again, quickly turning her head back to Beau. 

The monk rolls her eyes. "So I can see... It’s fine Jessie, I’m ok. You’ve got your own stuff going on, mine isn't any more important. How 'bout you Nott... I mean Veth. Sorry. That’s gonna take some time to get used to. How are you feeling?"

Jester turns her attention to the halfling, walking stiffly beside Caduceus. "Oh, you know, fine. Shitting it honestly."

"You’re scared? Why?" Jester asks.

"I’m not scared exactly." The halfling rolls her shoulders in a defeated half shrug. "And of course I'm really excited to see Yeza and Luc... it's more what comes after. It’s going to be so hard to leave them again. I'm not ready to leave you guys yet, but not staying with them is really difficult to think about too. And I don’t know how Yeza's going to feel about it."

"He'll be fiiiiine, he’s awesome. He’s like, the best husband ever." Jester nudges the smaller woman's shoulder with her hip, grinning at her.

"He is isn't he." Veth smiles back proudly.

"And you guys are like, going to have so much sex!" Beau and Fjord make choked noises, halfway between a splutter and a groan, Yasha and Caduceus smiling coyly behind them.

Veth bursts out laughing, and Jester can’t help but smile at seeing her friend cheered up. _Mission accomplished_ , she grins to herself as they continue on their way to her mother's home, casting one glance back over her shoulder at Yussa's tower before they round a corner and finally lose sight of it. _Now if only I knew what to do to make Caleb feel better..._

When they arrive home, Jester feels suddenly emotional. The thought that she could have forgotten about the people here, especially her mother, is agonising. She feels strangely guilty about it, as though if she loved them more she wouldn’t have been able to forget them, which she knows is ridiculous, but still, knowing doesn’t help. They find Luc and Yeza first, the chemist sitting in the courtyard anxiously watching as the young halfling boy dashes about chasing the little green lizards that zip up and down the building's columns, much as Jester remembers doing as a kid.

Luc sees Veth first, wide grin splitting his face as he runs up to her, jumping into her arms. "It’s permanent this time." She says tearfully as Yeza comes to join them. "I’m me again." He sniffs, his own eyes welling with overjoyed tears, embracing his wife and son.

"You were always you." He murmurs into her hair only just loud enough for the others to hear. Jester only realises she’s crying when she notices with amusement that Fjord's eyes are wet too, though he’s just about managing to hold it together.

She leaves them to it, anxious to see her mother after what feels like years apart, and when Bluud ushers her into the suite where she is preparing for her evening's performance, Jester's breaks down completely.

"Mama!" She sobs as the older woman's arms embrace her.

"Oh my little Sapphire, I’ve missed you too." Jester feels her mother draw back to look at her as the tears continue. "Jester? What’s the matter? Did something happen?" She tries to answer but she can’t catch her breath enough to speak. Her mother holds her tight, stroking her hair and whispering soothing words just as she had when Jester would run into her room at night after a bad dream or the first thunderous bellows of a storm coming in off the sea.

Jester isn’t sure how long she was crying for when the tears finally cease, but her chest aches and her eyes are red raw. "I’m fine Mama." She hiccups, sighing out a shuddering breath. Not surprisingly, her mother looks unconvinced.

"Honey, you know you can tell me anything? I may not venture outside into the world very often, but I am not ignorant of it. There is not a single thing you can say that will shock... Jester, is that a tattoo?" Perfectly manicured fingertips brush over the inked arm of the Traveler on her shoulder.

"Oh. Yea, I was going to tell you about that... Do you like it?" She asks hopefully, not sure what her mother will make of it. "Our friend on the boat did it. It’s infused with gem dust, that’s why it sparkles. And it..."

"I think it is very beautiful. But back on topic Jester, what happened to you?" Marion interrupts gently.

"Ok, so something did kinda happen, but it’s all ok now and I really am fine, it just... made me miss you really badly. But it’s only ok because Caleb did something and he’s really, really hurt because of it. Like emotionally, not physically. And I don’t know how to help him Mama." Jester peers up at her mother, glad for the chance to vent but also hoping she won’t pry too deeply into what happened. Marion may not be ignorant, but Jester's pretty sure she’d be less than pleased that her daughter had a run in with a hag.

"I see." She presses a finger to her lips thoughtfully. "What did he do?"

"I don’t know, he won’t talk to me about it. He won’t talk to any of us." She says sadly.

"He just needs time my darling, you just need to be patient with him by the sounds of it. But there are some things you just can’t fix my love, no matter how badly you might wish to."

"It's sort of...more complicated than that. He loves me Mama. He told me, right before he did it. And after what happened, it was like I suddenly realised I love him too." She feels her cheeks redden, knowing it sounds ridiculous, like something out of one of her trashy romance novels. Her mother smiles warmly, but Jester can't bring herself to feel anything but downcast about the situation. "I think I’ve liked him for a while, but I just didn’t notice. I guess I always thought love happened in lightning bolt moments, like when people say they felt it at first sight. This was kind of a slow burn. But he says nothing can ever happen between us because he isn’t good enough for me. There’s something in his past Mama, something he did when he was just a kid that haunts him, you know? He’s so sad about it all the time, but he’s really been getting better, I thought he was doing ok and then this happened and it’s brought it all back to him. I just don’t know what to do."

Marion takes Jester's hand, thumbs rubbing circles over the back of it soothingly. "And he won’t talk about what happened in his past either?"

Jester gives a sad little shake of her head. "No, he’s really secretive about it."

"Does he know how you feel about him?"

"I kissed him. Twice." She reddens again at the memory of the second kiss just that morning, how awkward it had been. How she’d invaded his space, knowing how uncomfortable that made him, then run away like a coward. She bites her lip in frustration at herself.

"In my experience," Marion says, pressing a kiss to her daughter's cheek with a sympathetic smile, "it’s best to spell these things out very clearly. It sounds as though you two really need to talk my little sapphire."

Jester looks out of the window at the Lucidian Ocean sparkling beyond the busy docks and harbour. "You’re right Mama. I think we do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This was originally planned out as five chapters, but I got carried away and added the dream and Jester's POV at the end of this one, so it is now six chapters instead!)


	6. Chapter 6

Hands shoved into his coat pockets, brow furrowed deep in thought, Caleb winds his way through the twisted maze of markets, parks and streets toward the Lavish Chateau. He’s so distracted he manages to make a few wrong turns along the way, cursing under his breath when he realises he’s lost.

Really, with his inherent sense of direction, he knows he’s not lost at all. It may take him some time to find his way back to somewhere more familiar, but find his way he will. The most direct route back towards the Ruby of the Sea's abode takes him through a large, sloped public garden, exotically coloured blooms and spiky-leaved shrubs planted precisely along it's lush and well maintained borders.

He stops for a moment in the shade of a large palm tree, the sun well past its zenith beating down harshly. The heat in itself isn’t unwelcome, growing up in the temperate cool of the Zemni Fields he appreciates warm weather. But coming straight from Rosohna, he isn’t exactly dressed for it.

Unfastening his coat and the top few buttons of his shirt, he frowns as his fingers brush the scarf at his neck. Good quality wool in hues of blue and purple to match his coat, far too warm for Nicodranas, but he can’t quite bring himself to take it off. Jester helped him pick it out.

He stares out unblinking at the ocean, barely visible over the rooftops and towers of the city sprawl below him in the hillside park, and reaches into the inside top pocket of his coat. It’s been a while since he last took out his old scarf to look at, though he often finds his hand tucked inside that pocket, unconsciously touching the old worn wool. More often than he’d like.

Discoloured with years of wear and grime, almost two decades-worth though it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, the scarf had been a vivid dark green once. Not particularly soft or well made, but they hadn’t had much coin to spare in the early days of the Academy, when Astrid had given it to him as a birthday present.

Tattered and falling to pieces, it hadn’t been practical to wear it any longer, so when they’d bought new clothes to fit in better with the styles of Rosohna, he’d unwound it from his neck for the final time and pressed it carefully into the pocket of his new coat closest to his heart. Not a conscious decision, but the one he had made without thinking at the time.

Seeing Astrid again had been cathartic and devastating all at once. To see her so calm and put together, the warmth she’d shown him had been such a relief after his paranoid mind had imagined her and Eodwulf stalking him from the shadows for five years since his escape. But along with the warmth had been a coldness. The bitter twist that comes from years of killing and violence. And the resolute belief that what she had done by Trent's command had been right. That despite her obvious dislike for the man, she could not accept or even entertain the idea that she had been manipulated and used for more than half her life.

He understands. He’s felt the pain of that realisation keenly himself. Sometimes he still wishes, to his utter disgust, that he hadn’t cracked the night his parent's died. He’s wondered often what his life would have been like if he’d graduated and remained blissfully unaware of Trent's deceit.

But as upsetting as seeing Astrid had been, despite how close he’d come to staying the night with her, the visit had been exactly what he’d needed. He had got answers, and he had seen a glimpse of what he would have become had he stayed sane that night. But more importantly, he had realised once and for all that he and Astrid had no future. That he would love her always, but that the girl he had fallen for all those years ago was enveloped in a world he could never inhabit again, and she would never choose to leave.

Clutching the ends of his new scarf in one hand, he holds the old one out in front of him with the other, taking a breath before releasing his grip to let the warm hillside wind take it. He watches with tears in his eyes as it flutters down towards the urban sprawl, and eventually out of view between the buildings. He says a silent goodbye, wipes the moisture from his eyes, and starts off again towards perhaps not his future, but his present at least.

****************

After a lengthy catchup with her mother, Jester eventually leaves her to continue the preparations for her evening's performance and heads downstairs, nerves fluttering in her stomach.

"Bluud, have you seen Cayleb?" She asks the Minotaur, now posted at the bottom of the stairs as customers begin to arrive early, the late afternoon sun streaming in only partially diluted by the canopies over each window.

"Caleb...?" He frowns. "They said something about a boat I think, and a tortle. He went off with the other three to the harbour. Caleb's the green fella right?"

Jester smiles to herself. "No Bluud, that’s Fjord, Cayleb is sort of pink."

"Oh. I thought that was Caduceus?"

"Not that pink," she giggles, "the human with the red hair. That’s Cayleb."

"Oh. No I haven’t seen him. Your halfling friend went off with Yeza upstairs, they asked not to be disturbed. I thought he was married to the goblin?"

"She is the goblin, kind of. It’s a long story."

Bluud frowns again, as if waiting for her to say she’s joking. "I can’t keep up with you lot." He sighs when she remains silent. "Anyway, the others took Luc off to the harbour with them to see if they could find this boat with the tortle, but I didn’t see your red haired pink human with them."

Jester nods distractedly, worry knotting her stomach now in place of her earlier nerves. Caleb should have been back hours ago, unless he’d spent all afternoon with Yussa. She searches the entry courtyard, the terrace, and the small walled garden at the back of the Chateau with no luck.

_What if he isn’t coming back_ , she thinks to herself as she makes her way out to search the surrounding streets, _what if he’s decided to leave without telling us, and I pushed him away by making him feel awkward this morning_. She stops in her tracks with a gasp, staring ahead without really seeing anything. A man in a red cloak barely manages to swerve to avoid walking into her, turning to curse at her over his shoulder, though she doesn’t hear what he says, too wrapped up in her own thoughts. _What if that was the deal he made with Isharnai, that he had to leave us..._

"Jester?"

She wheels around at the familiar voice and seeing Caleb, throws her arms around him in relief, holding him so tight she’s sure she must be crushing him a little bit. He stiffens, as he always does when anyone but Nott hugs him, but after a moment she feels his arms press against her back in return.

"I thought you’d gone." She says into his chest.

"Gone?" He answers, sounding confused. She draws back to look up at him, feeling suddenly embarrassed.

"I thought maybe that was the deal you made, that you had to go, just like Beau was going to."

He sighs, his eyes cast down towards the floor ashamedly. "I’m sorry for worrying you, I managed to get lost on the way back here, that was all. You don’t need to worry about the deal I made, it wasn’t anything that will affect you or the others, and it won’t change anything. And I’m certainly not planning to leave you Blueberry," he smiles weakly at her, "I’m not sure I could even if I wanted to."

She returns the smile at his last sentence, but shakes her head at him nonetheless. "If it affects you, it affects me. All of us." She corrects herself quickly. "We care about you Cayleb, we’re all really worried about you."

"You don’t need to be Jester. I’m just... working through some things at the moment."

She huffs forlornly. "This is all my fault Cayleb. Everything you’re going through now is because of me." He looks so taken aback that she may as well have slapped him. "Well it is! If I hadn’t tried to trick her, you’d still be fine."

"It isn’t... it isn’t that simple Jester. I can’t explain..."

"And all this stuff with us..." she continues, gesturing wildly between them, "is just making it worse. Maybe I should stay with Mama for a while..."

His expression changes from sadness to resignation, the stern little edge to his eyes that tells her he’s seen right through her emotional blackmail making her heart beat a little faster. She loves that he can do that. That he sees past the innocence to the edge of chaos underneath.

"Talk to me?" She asks, taking his hand. "I need to understand it. Please Cayleb."

She can see that there’s an internal battle happening in the wizard's head, but she waits patiently for him to answer, despite her desperation. Finally, with a defeated sigh, he turns still clutching her hand. "Not here." He grumbles, leading her towards the Chateau. She tries not to grin too victoriously behind him.

She takes over the lead when they enter the building, the performance space downstairs now far too crowded with patrons for them to have anything close to a private conversation, let alone one so important. She takes him up the stairs, smiling at Bluud as they pass him, and straight to her bedroom. Caleb looks uncomfortable, almost as though he’s afraid to be alone with her here, which only makes her smirk. He rolls his eyes, and she throws open the shutters onto the small balcony to make it feel less intimate and put him at his ease.

Not that it seems to help much. He’s nervous, not quite as bad as when they saw Ickythong in the throne room the other day, but clearly scared all the same. He sits in the lone chair in the room while she perches on the bed, accepting the distance he wants between them, but finding it all the more intriguing. She starts to wonder if she’s underestimated just how bad this is going to be.

"So. What was the bargain you made Cayleb?" she asks when he remains silent.

"It goes back further than that. I never wanted to have to tell you Jester, but I can’t have you blaming yourself. So you need to know everything. You’re going to hate me, but I suppose at least we won’t have all that stuff between us to worry about any more." His rueful smile doesn’t reach his eyes, and Jester swallows down her fear.

"I won’t hate you. It can’t be that bad." She tries to smile reassuringly.

"I killed my parents."

Jester's smile, and her stomach, drop. She feels sick as she waits silently for his explanation, and as he tells her all about the Academy, Astrid and Eodwulf, Trent, the night he went mad, the Sanatorium and his escape, the nausea is replaced by bone deep, incandescent rage.

"Tomorrow," she says resolutely, "you’re going to take me to Rexxentrum, so that I can punch Trent Ickythong right in his stupid creepy face!" She jumps in surprise when after a few seconds pause, Caleb bursts out laughing. "I mean it Cayleb!" It’s so good to hear him happy again, she can’t help but smile despite her anger.

"I know you do. But he isn’t solely to blame Jester. If you want to punch him, you should want to punch me harder." His earlier mirth is replaced by the crushing sadness he wore constantly when she first met him. She knows telling him it wasn’t his fault won’t work.

"How do you feel about Astrid and Eodwulf?" She asks innocently, head cocked to one side.

"What do you mean?" He frowns at the sudden change in topic, obviously not what he expected.

"They killed their parents too, and they didn’t even go mad because of it. So you must be really cross with them right? Only, when we met Eodwulf, you looked kind of happy to see him."

He scowls at her. "It’s not the same Jester. I’d be a hypocrite to hate him when I’ve done the same."

"But it’s fine for you to hate yourself?" She kicks her heels rhythmically over the side of the bed.

"That’s not the... it’s not..." he sighs deeply, his shoulders slumping. "It doesn’t have to make sense. I know what you’re trying to do, but I’ll always hate myself and that’s never going to change."

"That’s alright. But just don’t expect me to hate you too, Ok?" The look he gives her in reply is anguished, but at the same time so full of fondness that she wants to kiss him again. "And Isharnai's deal?"

He takes a deep breath before speaking again. "After I escaped from the Sanatorium, I needed a focus, something other than simply surviving and running. I wanted revenge, but more than that I wanted to believe I could undo some of what I had done. I desired to become strong enough to attempt to rewrite history, to manipulate time itself." His enthusiasm as he speaks is captivating. "At first it was just a mad idea born out of desperation with little grounding in reality. But when I became able to research, after we found each other, I realised it might actually be possible. And meeting Essek and learning about dunamancy only served to confirm that belief."

"So you wanted to bring your Mom and Dad back to life?" She asks, leaning forward in awe when he nods solemnly. "Shit Cayleb that’s so cool!"

He sighs again. "It’s not cool Jester. I didn’t really have the presence of mind to consider the implications at the beginning, but as I learnt more it became obvious that to change one part ofhistory, others must alter too."

"You can’t bake a pastry without breaking a few eggs." She shrugs knowingly.

"Exactly, but in this case, the eggs are people's lives."

"Oh. So people might die if you do it?"

"Maybe. The most immediate risk is to myself, you remember what Essek said about the time travellers that were lost to their experiments." She nods grimly. "But if I changed events that stopped things from happening or started whole new events, it could change the entire world."

"But where does the deal fit into it?"

"I told Isharnai I would never pursue it again if she removed your curse." He shrugs nonchalantly, though she can tell the words sting for him to say. Jester nearly falls off the bed, her feet ceasing their kicking to rest completely still as she takes it in.

"You gave up your only chance to save your parents?" When he nods, she can tell it’s because he can’t trust himself to speak without crying. She gives a little sob herself, clamping a hand over her mouth as she rises to her feet and turns away from him.

"Jester...?"

"No." She turns to face him and finds he’s standing too, only a few feet away looking concernedly at her. "You can’t do that Cayleb, you can’t... not for me. I don’t want you to. We’ll go back to Isharnai and you can take it back."

"Jester..." He shakes his head and she closes the distance, grabbing his coat and looking up at him pleadingly. Just as she did when she tried to stop him making the deal in the first place she realises.

"They’re your Mom and Dad Cayleb! You love them."

"I love you too." He says quietly, resting his forehead against hers. She takes a strangled breath and closes her eyes against the threatening tears. "I’d already begun to doubt myself Jester. Too many people could get hurt in the fallout, and honestly it didn’t seem to matter much before I cared about all of you, but now... I’m not sure I could have gone through with it anyway."

She’s kissing him before she can even process half of what he said, certainly before it dawns on her that she’s invaded his personal space yet again. He doesn’t resist the press of her lips on his, but it’s not enough for her to be sure. She pulls away an inch, allowing him the chance to decide, but when he chases her lips and kisses her hungrily there’s no denying he’s into it this time.

When they finally part again, both of them are panting with the lack of oxygen. Caleb takes a few steps back looking horrified with himself, but Jester's so happy all she can do is grin.

"Jester, nothing's changed, we still can’t... I’m no good for you."

"Are you serious? After what you’ve done for me, you’ll be lucky if I ever let you leave this room again." She winks at him suggestively and he swallows hard, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Not under your mother's roof."

"Prude." She pouts.

"Temptress." He smiles back, before his face drops again. "But seriously Jester, you've given me so much already. You made me laugh when I thought I never would again. You made me love when I thought my heart was too broken to ever love anyone like that again. I’m old, and I’m broken, and you can do so much better than me."

"I don’t want to do better than you." She answers simply, feeling heat rise in her cheeks at the simple candour of it. It hasn’t gone unnoticed that not once has he questioned her feelings for him. Most people treat her like a child, but not Caleb. He’ll allow himself to get caught up in her childishness, he’ll even encourage it, but he never patronises her because of it. Never assumes she won’t understand, or can’t be serious when it counts.

It dawns on Jester that Caleb thinks he’s been doing all the taking from their friendship, and he couldn’t be more wrong. He gives her the room and the support to be herself. He trusts her despite her inexperience, encourages her when her confidence slips, and cheers her up before anyone else even realises she’s down. _We’re really pretty perfect for each other,_ she thinks to herself, a lump forming in her throat.

"I don’t deserve to be happy." He all but whispers, pulling her from her thoughts.

"And what about me? Don't I deserve to be happy?" She knows it’s manipulative, but Caleb can be as stubborn as a mule...

"That’s not fair." He grimaces.

"Life’s not fair. What would they want, your Mom and Dad?" He swallows thickly and looks down at the ground. She takes that as answer enough, stepping over to him to take both his hands in hers. "I’m not going to pretend to understand how you feel, so I’m not going to tell you to let it go because I think if you could do that, you probably would have already. And in a way, I’m glad you haven’t, because you’d be kind of an ass hole if you didn’t care. It’s ok to feel bad Cayleb, but it’s also ok to feel good sometimes too, you know?"

He lifts his eyes to meet hers, and his gaze is so intense she feels her cheeks turn bright lilac. He leans in to kiss her without saying a word, and she can’t help but smile as his lips move slowly over hers.

Her head is spinning, and she’s not sure how long they’ve been kissing when her mother's singing starts somewhere below them, her voice muffled by the floorboards. Caleb jumps guiltily, and Jester snorts a laugh.

Leading him to the balcony where the sound is clearer through the open windows below, she pulls him close against the cool night air and watches the Lucidian ocean sparkle under the harbour lights in the distance, the last hues of the sunset bleeding pink and red into the deep navy sky above the horizon.

"Did you mean it when you said you wouldn't sleep with me here?" She asks, linking her fingers with his.

Caleb brings their joined hands up to his mouth to kiss her knuckles. "Of course. Call me old fashioned, but I respect your mother. Besides," he grins into her hair, "she’s a formidable woman. I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of her."

"Cayleb Widogast, are you afraid of my mother?" She gasps mockingly.

"If she’s anything like you Blueberry, I’m right to be cautious." He kisses the top of her head with a chuckle as she jabs an elbow into his ribs playfully.

Looking back out to sea, Jester can’t help but feel like trying to trick Isharnai might just have been the best thing she’s ever done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a lot longer than planned and a whole extra chapter, but finally it is done! I hope you’ve enjoyed this little fic, just a bit of angsty fluffy romance and a big old helping of what if. Keep safe and healthy, and thanks for the kudos and comments along the way! x


End file.
